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One of the things that sends me spiraling into a depression is the number of things my injury has taken from you. All of the experiences and joys in the future that it has robbed you of. Small and large alike. Vacations, journeys, experiences, kids, all of it. I think what makes me spiral is the fact that there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change it. There is no bargain to make, no redo, no way to hand those things back. The only help I can offer is by saying tha

I’ve been thinking a lot about him today. I wonder what he would tell me if he saw me in my current state. I wonder how he would feel about it. Would he be confused and frustrated? Would he tell me to do things differently? Would he still have the pride he had for me before? I can think about him now without it hurting too much. At first, when he passed, I could not think of him at all. Then it became bittersweet. Now I can think of him and while I don’t detach, it doesn’t hu

When I was a kid, a vast majority of my time was spent alone. I was either locked in my room or in my closet with no one to talk to for long stretches of time. During those times I had to use my imagination to get outside, so I would imagine traveling to different places in the United States. I would use our encyclopedias to find pictures and imagine what it would be like to explore there. I built whole worlds in my mind. Never did I think I would actually get to see so many

One of my favorite things in the world is to laugh with you. I don’t mean a little chuckle. I mean tears falling, belly aching laughter where we can barely breathe. The last really good laugh I remember was when we were up in Columbia City looking at the AI pictures of a deformed Dave Matthews. With each new picture came a new strange presentation that made us laugh until we cried. I am actually thankful that those moments do not happen constantly because when they do, they f

I read something today that said some things which I could never put into words. --- I'd rather have the thought of you To hold against my heart, My spirit to be taught of you With west winds blowing, Than all the warm caresses Of another love's bestowing, Or all the glories of the world In which you had no part. I'd rather have the theme of you To thread my nights and days, I'd rather have the dream of you With faint stars glowing, I'd rather have the want of you, The rich,

I’ve been thinking a lot about our trip up to Mackinac. Even though it was cold because we went in the spring, I still had a good time. It makes me sad that you had a big trip planned for us up there and I accidentally took that away. I know how excited you were to show me things and experience it together. It makes me even more sad that I probably will not be able to get back there because it is not very accessible. That part hurts. But I am really thankful that I was able t

I’ve been thinking a lot today about you going back to work. Parts of it make me nervous only because I am so used to having you around all the time. On top of that, I will have to adapt to strangers being in my space. It was difficult to do in the hospital, so I am certain it will be difficult at home. That said, I think it is the best thing that could happen for you and for us. Besides the obvious benefit financially, it will get you out of this house and let you socialize

I’ve told you this a few times, but it is worth writing down that you are starting to look really, really good. You are dropping weight, your glow has returned, and the light in your eyes sparkles. I can see confidence coming back into you. I can see energy returning. There is a brightness that makes me stop and stare sometimes. That’s all. That’s the post.

I have a list of goals, some big and some small. One of the smaller goals is to be able to transfer over to the chaise lounge in our living room so that we can watch movies together and snug. I miss that terribly. When I think back to our first place together, more often than not I think of us curled up on the sofa with the fire roaring, watching TV or movies to pass the time. It was simple and perfect. Nothing else needed to be happening for me to feel happy. I miss the weig

I keep thinking about how this journal, well not the journal but my mindset when sitting down to write, is focused on the time before my injury or the time after my injury. I guess that makes sense because the injury was such a pivotal moment in my life, but one thing is for sure, I have got to get off bed rest and get healthy so that we can make new memories. I can’t in good conscience let past memories be all there is to hold onto. There have to be new ones. They may not be