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I have noticed something about our disagreements. First, I am appreciative that we do not have many. But when we do, I have noticed that what it boils down to are moments where both of us feel misunderstood. Not so much that the other person is wrong, just that each of us feels unseen or unheard. It seems to me there should be an easier way to diffuse this when it happens. Maybe setting emotions aside and explaining ourselves clearly could make a difference. With me, I notice

There are three things that I am most appreciative of right now. Your tenacity. Grad school, taking care of me, going back to work, getting in shape, clinicals coming up, and everything else you tackle. Your tenacity is one of a kind. Whatever it is that keeps you pushing, I hope you always have an abundance of it. It is one of the engines of our life. Your consistency. In helping take care of me, you are steady and steadfast. It is not an up and down roller coaster. You are

This is a big one. It's Valentine's day and I can't shake one of the darkest corners of head-space I have... I know that with my paralysis, full intimacy is almost guaranteed not to happen. But at times I wonder if there will ever be a returned intimacy at all. It has been almost three years since I have had a good kiss. Three years since I have felt and tasted you. Three years since I have had a long hug. Three years since I have held your hand while riding down the road. Th

Today goals have been on my mind. I think I want to write out some goals. Some for myself and some for us together. There has to be something to strive for or else each day blends into the next. I need markers out in front of me. I need things to move toward. I will work on mine, but when you read this, feel free to bring it up at any point so we can start talking about mutual goals for us. Dreaming together feels important. It reminds me that there is still a future to plan

When I get off bed rest, one of the things I want to do is cook with you again. Before I went on bed rest, we were doing it a few times per week. It was a little clumsy and it took a while, but I loved it. I loved standing next to you. I loved figuring it out together. I even loved the mess. Then doing the dishes together afterward felt like part of the ritual. Talking, drying, bumping into each other in the kitchen. Those simple shared tasks felt like real life in the best w

It has been over a month now since I started praying and meditating every night before I go to bed. I felt drawn to it and did not know if it was going to be temporary, but it has been more than a month and I have not missed a single night. I think it has been helping my overall mindset during the day. It is a ritual I do for myself at the end of each day to center my mind and my heart before sleep. My depression seems to have lifted quite a bit because of it. My thoughts are

To be honest, today I am struggling with a thought that is pervasive and frequent. It is the thought that you would be better off without me. Sometimes the weight of all the experiences you might miss out on feels so vast and heavy that not being around seems like the best gift I could give. Whether that means going to live somewhere tucked away in a proverbial box where my basic needs are met or disappearing from your life entirely, it can feel like the most generous move. I

Today I’ve been thinking about how thankful I am that we are both people who like to build and live in a nest. We are homebodies. If we were extroverts wanting to go out all the time, then being under one roof together and not being able to get out much this last year or so would have been painstaking to say the least. I have been thankful for this well before my injury. Even in the early days when all we wanted to do was go out long enough to grab some food or do something s

It is strange the things that I miss sometimes. It is not always big grand events or capabilities. Sometimes it is the smallest thing. For example, I really miss waking up in the morning, hopping out of bed, making it, and turning down the sheets so that when you came home, all you had to do was climb in. I don’t know why, but I really, really enjoyed doing that. It was a little ritual that started my day off right as an act of service. It felt good to see you walk into the r

I get these moments where I replay scenarios from my past. But it is not like watching a movie. It consumes me. It is like I am transported back to whatever scene I am imagining and I am fully present in it. I lose track of reality and all I can see, smell, and hear is the memory. And they are never good. It is always when I made the worst choices someone could make in a predicament. When I snap out of it, the loud cyclical thought is that I have always chosen to say or do th